When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
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I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
satan: not today, microsoft teams
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”