Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
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CSI is like Scooby-Doo for old people.
[a postapocalyptic world where everyone has killed themselves so they dont have to hear my opinions]
me: lemme explain y this is problematic
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
I am a woman . You are not supposed to know what’s on my mind.
For heaven’s sake, I don’t know what’s on my mind.