@freypalm

“I just can’t help myself!”

—paramedic on his deathbed

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@JermHimselfish

I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.

@minermikeminer

Meet George Jetson
His Boy Elroy
Daughter Judy
Jane his wife

Just kidding, obviously. I’ll send the real lyrics tomorrow. Do not use these.

@TheBoydP

Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.

@SondraDeeMe

ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm

@Fat_Jalbert

[trailer]
Narrator: THIS SUMMER, KEVIN HART
Me: oh no
Narrator: GUESS WHAT HE’S DOING
Me: another cop m-
Narrator: ANOTHER COP MOVIE

@GrowlyGrego

*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?

@Parkerlawyer

I pan fried chicken tonight.

On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.

@BillCorbett

To celebrate Independence Day I’m finding Englishmen and then walking angrily away from them!

@pittdave13

Me: I miss traffic and people

Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS