I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
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Meet George Jetson
His Boy Elroy
Jane his wife
Just kidding, obviously. I’ll send the real lyrics tomorrow. Do not use these.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Narrator: THIS SUMMER, KEVIN HART
Me: oh no
Narrator: GUESS WHAT HE’S DOING
Me: another cop m-
Narrator: ANOTHER COP MOVIE
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
To celebrate Independence Day I’m finding Englishmen and then walking angrily away from them!
Meth, because teeth are annoying.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS