“I just can’t help myself!”

—paramedic on his deathbed

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Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.


[a postapocalyptic world where everyone has killed themselves so they dont have to hear my opinions]
me: lemme explain y this is problematic


Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.


Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.

Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*


Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.


me: i love sleepovers

doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital

me: then why do I have this nightgown

doctor: that’s a hospital gown

me: truth or dare



doctor: dare


My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.


HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?


I am a woman . You are not supposed to know what’s on my mind.

For heaven’s sake, I don’t know what’s on my mind.