@freypalm

“I just can’t help myself!”

—paramedic on his deathbed

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@ceejoyner

Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.

@eyeswidebutt

[a postapocalyptic world where everyone has killed themselves so they dont have to hear my opinions]
me: lemme explain y this is problematic

@copymama

Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.

@Ideal_Victoria

Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.

Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*

@sfreeze6

Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.

@dxxnya

me: i love sleepovers

doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital

me: then why do I have this nightgown

doctor: that’s a hospital gown

me: truth or dare

doctor:

me:

doctor: dare

@StephenBCramer

My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.

@TheAndrewNadeau

HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?

@GreyPath1

I am a woman . You are not supposed to know what’s on my mind.

For heaven’s sake, I don’t know what’s on my mind.