My birthstone is a marshmallow.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again
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Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
It’s easier to get away with stealing someone’s stroller if you’re dressed as a jogger.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Just saw a redhead break his arm. #GingerSnap
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?