@Kryzazy

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again

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@UnFitz

[breakfast]

Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.

Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.

@myles_morrison

It’s easier to get away with stealing someone’s stroller if you’re dressed as a jogger.

@Just__J0

A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.

@GreenishDuck

My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.

@bartandsoul

Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”

Me: “Hell yes!”

Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”

@Birkalicious

Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions

@CulturedRuffian

Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?