I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again

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Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.

Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.


It’s easier to get away with stealing someone’s stroller if you’re dressed as a jogger.


A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.


My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.


Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”

Me: “Hell yes!”

Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”


Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions


Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?