I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
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Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
😏😏😏
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.