Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
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[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
how long have you had this for?
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.