I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
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[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?