@Peauxtassium

I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.

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@bobby

just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.

@AnniemuMary

A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.

@Matt_the_1st

911,What’s your emergency?

Me: I think it’s a heart attack

911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead

@mrjohndarby

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

@OhNoSheTwitnt

My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.

@patrickmarkryan

You’re not impressing anyone, people who put a comma before the person’s name when wishing them a happy birthday on Facebook

@rebrafsim

Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?

Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means

@NYorNothing

Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single

@daddydoubts

My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.