I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.

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just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.


A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.


911,What’s your emergency?

Me: I think it’s a heart attack

911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead


[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry


My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.


You’re not impressing anyone, people who put a comma before the person’s name when wishing them a happy birthday on Facebook


Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?

Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means


Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single


My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.