I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
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Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
spicy snake
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.