“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
You Might Also Like
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’