I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
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If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?