doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
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I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
? 💀