i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
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Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
A woman drives into a bar.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”