I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
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I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.