I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
You Might Also Like
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
You can’t outrun your problems…
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.