“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
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Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.