So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
You Might Also Like
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Saw your ex at the shops
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*