I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
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My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*