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@pdxjohnny99: I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
@captainkalvis: DATE: I think marriage is sooo beautiful
ME: [trying to impress her] well my wedding is tomorrow you should come
@sarcasm_inc: Good cop: where were you last Wednesday?
Cotton Eye Joe cop: where did you come from, where did you go
@KKAlThani: Next time someone catches you talking to yourself, make it worthwhile by laughing, yelling "Good one!" and high-fiving the air.
@WilliamAder: Trying to convince my wife I said "adieu," instead of "I do," at our wedding, but she's not buying it.
@WilliamRodgers: This guy at the bar wouldn't shut up about how Zombies "could be real"
So I killed him...
If he comes back...He wins the argument