I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
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Always
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.