I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
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I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Mood.. 😂
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.