@CulturedRuffian

I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.

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@carlyken

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Clark Kent: kryptonite

Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?

Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa

@ginadivittorio

Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.

@Eightinchgoat

Guide to DIY:

1. Double the cost estimate.

2. Double the time it should take.

3. Live with it for 3 months

4. Hire someone to fix it.

@dshack8

Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.

@veronicakallday

What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you

@abi4205

Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.

@dimplesticks

One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy

@3sunzzz

I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.

@ReelQuinn

“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God