I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.

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Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Clark Kent: kryptonite

Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?

Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa


Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.


Guide to DIY:

1. Double the cost estimate.

2. Double the time it should take.

3. Live with it for 3 months

4. Hire someone to fix it.


Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.


What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you


Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.


One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy


I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.


“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God