@stockejock

I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.

You Might Also Like

@Kyle_Lippert

My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’

@OctopusCaveman

My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.

@SarcasticSadOne

I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.

@mom_tho

6: I’m hungry

Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now

6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?

Husband: Oh no

@XplodingUnicorn

My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?

@BromanConsul

GOD: hey my son is broken, he won’t absolve the sins of mankind
IT GUY: try turning him off, waiting 3 days, then turning him back on again

@XplodingUnicorn

My 3-year-old was counting on her fingers in the other room.

She finished at 9.

I am concerned on so many levels right now.

@momtribevibe

[ First day as a bartender ]

Me: *unzips customers pants*

Him: wtf!?

Me: you said make it stiff