I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
You Might Also Like
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey