My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
You Might Also Like
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Someone waited their whole career to write that headline.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
GOD: hey my son is broken, he won’t absolve the sins of mankind
IT GUY: try turning him off, waiting 3 days, then turning him back on again
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
My 3-year-old was counting on her fingers in the other room.
She finished at 9.
I am concerned on so many levels right now.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Me: you said make it stiff