I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
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somewhere, in an alternate universe
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it