I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
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I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Möther may I have a snäck
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Hi everyone,
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To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?