ME: My husband says you use special traps that put the mice outside to play with their friends
EXTERMINATOR [LOOKS AT HUSBAND]: umm, yeaahh
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Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Have Egyptians tried unplugging and plugging Egypt?
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
If you’re going to lie about where you’re from, at least try to make it sound like a real place and not something fake like “New Zealand”
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands