@Nickadoo

“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”

You Might Also Like

@Lubchansky

strong evidence here that before the dog shampoo he was using dish detergent in his hair

@VanGobot

CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK

@stewnami

My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.

@kyle_thatisall

Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.

Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.

@AnnaKei26

According to the New England Journal of Medicine, the blood alcohol level is to be measured in Lohans now

@Spaziotwat

I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious

@iAmDelFreaky

<during sex>

Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?

Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.

Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.

@3sunzzz

I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.

Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.

@jamisondg1

I wonder if in 100 years, ghosts of today will spell out “swag” or “bae” on the Ouija boards