strong evidence here that before the dog shampoo he was using dish detergent in his hair
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
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CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
According to the New England Journal of Medicine, the blood alcohol level is to be measured in Lohans now
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
I wonder if in 100 years, ghosts of today will spell out “swag” or “bae” on the Ouija boards