“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”

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strong evidence here that before the dog shampoo he was using dish detergent in his hair


CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):


My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.


Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.

Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.


According to the New England Journal of Medicine, the blood alcohol level is to be measured in Lohans now


I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious


<during sex>

Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?

Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.

Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.


I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.

Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.


I wonder if in 100 years, ghosts of today will spell out “swag” or “bae” on the Ouija boards