“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
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Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Have a lovely day 😊
Aaaa…CHOO!
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.