“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
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My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper