@EmberToAsh

I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.

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@Reverend_Scott

Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns

Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me

@SCbchbum

Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?

@dongfuture

Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”

@BrettDruck

I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.

@DanMentos

[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”

@atamba_lakeli

My boyfriend recently called me his woman
And now we’re living in the jungle, wearing deer skin and hunting for food

@fillthevacuum

Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?

*removes 14 stick figures from car*

@LlamaInaTux

Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes

Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-

Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one

Me:

Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.

Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.

Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?