@EmberToAsh

I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.

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@Brianhopecomedy

My 2 year old wanted to race me home from daycare and I am TOTALLY winning. I don’t even see her tricycle in my rear-view mirror.

@WildeThingy

Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”

@ClearlyUnwell

I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.

@OldJakeOld

[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat

@paperphotoyo

Managed to scare off my prison pen pal. Crazy doesn’t even begin to cover what’s wrong with me.

@SCbchbum

Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.

@Nickadoo

The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.

@internetluke

“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*

@thetits

FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit

ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids

FRIEND: no it’s the best

@KyleMcDowell86

ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”