I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
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GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
We’re all getting idioter.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
You saw nothing. I am ham.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”