Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
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Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Can you say your strengths?
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
My boyfriend recently called me his woman
And now we’re living in the jungle, wearing deer skin and hunting for food
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?