I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
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been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
October already? What’s next? November????
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.