I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
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Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
[montage of me giving-up]
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry