I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
You Might Also Like
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
You can’t rush stupid.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
I love the honesty
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*