@theroyaltramp

I just downloaded another distraction on my distraction device so I can be distracted when my other distractions aren’t distracting enough.

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@reallifemommy3

People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am

@jonnysun

*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who

@onlxn

hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING

@imdumbledaddy

English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language

@KeetPotato

doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”

@AbbyHasIssues

I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.

@DionneMcNutt

I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.

@notsoevilrick

Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.

@GrantTanaka

exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost