just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
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Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
i meant to share this earlier
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Fluff me with a fork baby
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!