I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
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Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Every work meeting this week
Cheers Twitter.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board