“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
I just drank coffee I forgot on the counter this morning. It was so cold and bitter I wrote it an alimony check.
You Might Also Like
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
“You think I’m immature? Well, you know what! Our relationship is-”
*holds up imaginary walky-talky*
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
[Bad guys in John Wick movies be like]
Bad guy: He’s coming
Bad guy: John Wick, baba yaga
Henchmen: He’s just one guy boss, we can take him
Bad guy: You fools!!! Before John Wick visited Israel on a mission, the Dead Sea used to be called the alive sea
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *adjusts beer helmet* no
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.