I just drank coffee I forgot on the counter this morning. It was so cold and bitter I wrote it an alimony check.

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-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning


My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.


“You think I’m immature? Well, you know what! Our relationship is-”

*holds up imaginary walky-talky*



been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening


Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.


[Bad guys in John Wick movies be like]

Bad guy: He’s coming

Henchmen: Who?

Bad guy: John Wick, baba yaga

Henchmen: He’s just one guy boss, we can take him

Bad guy: You fools!!! Before John Wick visited Israel on a mission, the Dead Sea used to be called the alive sea


Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *adjusts beer helmet* no


[commercial for gymnastics]

Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?