@theshamingofjay

I just drank coffee I forgot on the counter this morning. It was so cold and bitter I wrote it an alimony check.

You Might Also Like

@AmishPornStar1

“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”

-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning

@_shellzbellzzz_

My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.

@IRLPepperMD

“You think I’m immature? Well, you know what! Our relationship is-”

*holds up imaginary walky-talky*

“Chhh-over.”

@MattBellassai

been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening

@NicCageMatch

Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.

@Alex_Houseof308

[Bad guys in John Wick movies be like]

Bad guy: He’s coming

Henchmen: Who?

Bad guy: John Wick, baba yaga

Henchmen: He’s just one guy boss, we can take him

Bad guy: You fools!!! Before John Wick visited Israel on a mission, the Dead Sea used to be called the alive sea

@DaddyJew

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *adjusts beer helmet* no

@TheWoodenslurpy

[commercial for gymnastics]

Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?