I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
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Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
I need a headline like this
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.