I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
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*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Saw online –
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
HELP 😭
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.