[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
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Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’