I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
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Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
where do you see yourself in five years?
what is cheese if not milk persevering
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.