I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
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A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
I’m having an out of money experience.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses