I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
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A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
i- i did not expect this
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Why soy sad?
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse