Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
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My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
found this cool rock hiking today
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.