@Alex_N_Chains

I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.

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@ADHDeanASL

Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”

@NewDadNotes

Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.

Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.

Mother Goose: what? these are for children

Me:

Mother Goose:

Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.

@badbanana

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.

@Gupton68

me: *entering the ocean*

ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?

@3sunzzz

M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!

H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!

M: Never mind, carry on.

@Donna_McCoy

I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.

@anniemalistics

Some dance to remember, some dance to forget, some dance because the swamp witch’s curse compels them to, and you can usually pick those ones out right away.

@mrjohndarby

horse: these pants fit me perfectly

sales clerk: very good sir

horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs

sales clerk: *discretely* of course

@UniqueDude2

Enter new password
<glovebox>
Must contain number
<glovebox1>
Must contain PHONE number
<no>
Please 😉
<no u creep>
Password not recognized

@JohnLyonTweets

If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.