I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.

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Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒


My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.


Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”

Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”


JOB INTERVIEWER: so, what was your last job?

DR. FRANKENSTEIN: bodybuilding


I always see homeless people walking around with cups of change. I bet they could afford a house if they werent drinking money all the time.


My signature move is falling in love with a beautiful girl, then giving her really good advice on how to date someone else.


One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?


My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.


My wife and I agreed never to go to bed angry with each other which is why we’ve both been awake since January 14, 2013.