I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
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Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
damn he’s good
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
there’s probably a fee though
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too