I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.

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Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”


Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.

Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.

Mother Goose: what? these are for children


Mother Goose:

Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.


I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.


me: *entering the ocean*

ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?



H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!

M: Never mind, carry on.


I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.


Some dance to remember, some dance to forget, some dance because the swamp witch’s curse compels them to, and you can usually pick those ones out right away.


horse: these pants fit me perfectly

sales clerk: very good sir

horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs

sales clerk: *discretely* of course


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If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.