I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
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If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?