“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
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at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Muppet Screams
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face