I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?

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I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.


“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.


The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.


8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.

Me: It looks the same as before.

8: I added more snacks.

Finally, some meaningful renovations.


Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult


Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?


shaggy: i can’t believe we ate all the chocolate scoob


shaggy: scoob?


I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!