I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
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The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap