I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
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The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Well, that should do it
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Discuss
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500