Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
I just folded a fitted sheet so beautifully an owl just delivered a Hogwarts acceptance letter to my house
You Might Also Like
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.