@Phook75

I just folded a fitted sheet so beautifully an owl just delivered a Hogwarts acceptance letter to my house

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@DrakeGatsby

Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do

Google: Call 911

Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE

@gerryhatric

A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.

He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.

@KateQFunny

Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.

Me: You could stop cutting.

@HomeWithPeanut

[First day of zombie apocalypse]

Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.

Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-

[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?

@LifeUnPinterest

As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.

@NotOnTheMoors

Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.

@dvntownsend

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.

And a Czech one too.

@DrakeGatsby

*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*

Me: This salsa is spicy

@DearAuntAbby

My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.