I just folded a fitted sheet so beautifully an owl just delivered a Hogwarts acceptance letter to my house

You Might Also Like


Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do

Google: Call 911

Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE


A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.

He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.


Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.

Me: You could stop cutting.


[First day of zombie apocalypse]

Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.

Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-

[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?


As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.


Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.


I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.

And a Czech one too.


*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*

Me: This salsa is spicy


My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.