@pplwtching

I just forgot about some nachos in the oven, don’t tell me about your hopes and dreams going up in flames.

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@tastefactory

[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up

@ClichedOut

[first date]

her: i love mysterious guys

him: good

me: [in the bushes] good

@withanewname

[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”

@HenpeckedHal

me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy

@Pork_Chop_Hair

If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.

@Parentpains

After placing me in charge of training new employees I can’t help but question my companies’ commitment to success.

@Parentpains

Your blood pressure looks normal, I’ll fix that. – Children, every five minutes.