[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
I just forgot about some nachos in the oven, don’t tell me about your hopes and dreams going up in flames.
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her: i love mysterious guys
me: [in the bushes] good
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
After placing me in charge of training new employees I can’t help but question my companies’ commitment to success.
Your blood pressure looks normal, I’ll fix that. – Children, every five minutes.