People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
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I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”