@Contwixt

I just fought a child-proof container to the death.

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@SortaBad

Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for

@flashember

ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse

FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?

ME: grow up Kalvin

@chuuew

Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

@beccafacexo

My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw

@jonnysun

SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant

@drayzze

The grass is always greener on the other side

Until you hop the fence and land in big pile of shit

@GrantTanaka

me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]

@NakedHangover

What I learned in college:

1. Water bottles are a great way to hide vodka.

2. When your thirsty in the morning you will regret #1.

@MarfSalvador

[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?

@AndyAsAdjective

“I really can’t stay“

Baby, it’s cold outside

“My Uber’s on its way”

Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride