@Contwixt
@SortaBad
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
You Might Also Like
@SortaBad
@flashember
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
@chuuew
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
@beccafacexo
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
@jonnysun
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
@drayzze
The grass is always greener on the other side
Until you hop the fence and land in big pile of shit
@GrantTanaka
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
@NakedHangover
What I learned in college:
1. Water bottles are a great way to hide vodka.
2. When your thirsty in the morning you will regret #1.
@MarfSalvador
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
@AndyAsAdjective
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride