I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
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*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
The symmetry is uncanny.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.