Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
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ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
The grass is always greener on the other side
Until you hop the fence and land in big pile of shit
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
me: AND UR COMPUTER
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
What I learned in college:
1. Water bottles are a great way to hide vodka.
2. When your thirsty in the morning you will regret #1.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride