I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
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Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi