I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.

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Coworker: I can’t believe my wife left me. I should of treated her better.

Me *should have


Hello, darkness…my old friend.

HARD PASS, Chatty Cathy.


If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet with intelligent life – lets just make patterns in their crop and leave.


FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are


my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again


[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!


ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?


ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.