@chudneyspears

I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.

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@TheMichaelRock

Coworker: I can’t believe my wife left me. I should of treated her better.

Me *should have

@acakes421

Me:
Hello, darkness…my old friend.

Darkness:
HARD PASS, Chatty Cathy.

@Jen_Mahabir

If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet with intelligent life – lets just make patterns in their crop and leave.

@TheToddWilliams

FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are

@sploosk

my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again

@Ygrene

[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!

@sofarrsogud

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: No

ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.