Coworker: I can’t believe my wife left me. I should of treated her better.
Me *should have
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
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Hello, darkness…my old friend.
HARD PASS, Chatty Cathy.
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet with intelligent life – lets just make patterns in their crop and leave.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
I’d jump in front of a gently tossed beach ball for you.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.