@chudneyspears

I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.

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@BoogTweets

Me: how much for the horse kabobs

Ride operator: it’s a carousel

@mommajessiec

7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?

Me: Dad.

7: Then how come you look older?

Me: Santa’s not real.

@itsqueenbeebish

Omg. I just discovered that a FB friend of mine eats mayonnaise on her Reeses peanut butter cups and now I need to ghost her.

@PopSlapFunk

When 13 witches collectively fart in a cauldron and quickly cover it with a lid…

*lowers shades*

…Dutch Coven.

@supertweetjen

The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.

@samalmightysam

You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.

@TheMichaelRock

I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn’t punch them in the head as soon as they got here.