I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
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HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.