[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
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daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
i wish i could marry a nap