Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
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A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.