Husband: “I read that divorce rates will increase because of pandemic.
Do you …
Me: “Yes, I want a divorce.”
Husband: …think it’s true.”
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
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*lays in bed*
“Did I leave the oven on? When’s the last time I even baked anything? Like 6 months? I should probably still check to be sure”
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Somebody wrote “wash me” on my car. I’m so lazy, I just wrote “no” under it.
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
me: i snuck in some snacks
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.