I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.

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Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*


[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger


I want an app that tells me when someone is thinking about me while having sex with someone else.


“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son


My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.


I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.


[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?


Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.