I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
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Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe