Me:*runs into woods* ahh I’m gonna get killed by the clowns
Clown: nah we just want to scare people
Me: oh. can u make an exception for me
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
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When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Every idiot in Florida just turned on their electric heater & they crashed the grid. Now I’m forced to watch my neighbor sleep in the dark.
Every now and then you meet someone you wish you could unhinge your jaw for. *waiting patiently*
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
CEO: where do you see yourself in 5 years
me: hopefully in your chair
[5 years later]
me: *in the CEO’s chair*
CEO: *calling security* there’s a homeless man in my chair