@BubblesnBooze

I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.

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@UnFitz

Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*

@Ristolable

[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger

@thejodiest

I want an app that tells me when someone is thinking about me while having sex with someone else.

@murrman5

“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son

@mela_shea

My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.

@Birdhumms

I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.

@inmybox07

[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?

@Arbitral

Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.