@BubblesnBooze

I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.

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@CantWaitToNap

Husband: “I read that divorce rates will increase because of pandemic.
Do you …

Me: “Yes, I want a divorce.”

Husband: …think it’s true.”

Me: …
Husband: …

@carlyaquilino

*lays in bed*
“Did I leave the oven on? When’s the last time I even baked anything? Like 6 months? I should probably still check to be sure”

@Marlebean

“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.

@Talk_To_The_Hat

I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…

@supaj76

My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.

@pmclellan

Somebody wrote “wash me” on my car. I’m so lazy, I just wrote “no” under it.

@Book_Krazy

*In church

9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…

Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep

9: oh

@_corichardson

[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

her: omg!!

me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water

@Tommytoughstuff

FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.