@BubblesnBooze

I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.

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@murrman5

you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.

@Jake_Vig

[stabbing you with a knife]

I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.

@Reverend_Scott

[shows up 2 hours late for interview]

Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.

@Manda_like_wine

She often thinks about what life may have been outside the asylum, had the cashier refrained from putting her change on top of the receipt.

@tchrquotes

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

@daemonic3

Dr: You have palpitations

Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?

Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA

Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]

@dumbbeezie

I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now

@singleplaiddad

Day 3 of self isolation:

Hour 7432:

Alexa and I are engaged…

Siri is kinda jealous…

It’s either gonna get interesting or ugly…

@two1ohhbabydoll

“Bro, if she can still walk to the kitchen to make you a sandwich, you did it wrong.” – murderers, apparently.