Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
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you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
She often thinks about what life may have been outside the asylum, had the cashier refrained from putting her change on top of the receipt.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Day 3 of self isolation:
Alexa and I are engaged…
Siri is kinda jealous…
It’s either gonna get interesting or ugly…
“Bro, if she can still walk to the kitchen to make you a sandwich, you did it wrong.” – murderers, apparently.