@BubblesnBooze

I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.

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@roostermustache

Me:*runs into woods* ahh I’m gonna get killed by the clowns

Clown: nah we just want to scare people

Me: oh. can u make an exception for me

@slimmy_shady

When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.

@MatCro

[watching TV]

GF: Tickle my back please

ME: Is that nice?

GF: Little bit higher

ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?

@daemonic3

Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads

@Swishergirl24

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead

@Ilovelamp1979

Every idiot in Florida just turned on their electric heater & they crashed the grid. Now I’m forced to watch my neighbor sleep in the dark.

@JessiCanadian

Every now and then you meet someone you wish you could unhinge your jaw for. *waiting patiently*

@BigJDubz

I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes

@coryrichardson_

CEO: where do you see yourself in 5 years

me: hopefully in your chair

[5 years later]

me: *in the CEO’s chair*

CEO: *calling security* there’s a homeless man in my chair